Obama Administration Application For Employment

What a dilemma . . . in order to weather the economic storm, there seem to be only two options:  one, go into investment banking and qualify for bailout funds; two, apply for a post in the new Presidential administration.  But the banks aren't hiring, so I downloaded an application form to be a part of the new regime . . . .

APPLICATION FOR EXECUTIVE BRANCH EMPLOYMENT

be a part of the change

Note: Answer all questions to the best of your knowledge and belief, or as instructed by your group of political advisers.  Use ink, not pencil. Use additional paper as necessary for explanations of your answers, not to exceed 1,000 sheets.

Question 1:  During the 2008 Presidential Campaign, did you refer to Barack Obama as "the One"?  / / yes / / no.  If your answer is "no," explain yourself in detail.

Question 2:  Have you ever paid back taxes, penalties, and interest based on non-payment of taxes you obviously owed?  / / yes / / no.  If your answer is "yes," please fill out the Supplement for Treasury and IRS Applicants.

Question 3:  Have you ever been caught having shady dealings with someone who is now serving prison time for fraud? / / yes / / no.  If your answer is "no," please explain how you avoided detection.

Question 4:  Do you attend church? / / yes / / no.  If "yes," will you swear that you slept through all of the sermons? / / yes / / I will if expedient / / I actually did, no kidding.

Question 5:  Have you received one or more "sweetheart" loans from a financial establishment which is now receiving bailout funds? / / yes / / no.  If "yes," can you keep a straight face when you claim you didn't know anything was fishy about the transaction? / / natch! / / heck, yeah / / piece of cake!

Question 6:  Have you served as a Member of Congress or a state legislator? / / yes / / no.  If your answer is "yes," how much of your spouse's income was derived from earmarks you sponsored? _____.  If less than 50%, please explain the shortfall.

Question 7:  Have you ever been employed as a registered lobbyist?  / / yes / / no.  If "yes," do you waive the Presidential ban on lobbyists as to yourself? / / you bet I do / / consider it done / / in a heartbeat.

Question 8:  Which of the following statements can you make without wincing, cringing, or breaking into hysterical laughter? (Check all that apply.)

/ / Why, of course a worm-farming subsidy will help to stimulate the economy and create jobs.

/ / There was no place for me to enter that in TurboTax.

/ / I will work hard to generate bi-partisan support for President Obama's initiatives.

/ / I really, truly thought the car and the driver were just a "freebie."

/ / No doubt about it - - earmarks for family planning programs will jump-start the economy.

/ / We are the change we seek.

Question 9:  If necessary, do you promise to make all of your tax returns and investment accounts public? / / define "necessary" / / eventually / / as soon as I feel like it / / define "public."

Qestion 10:  Your turn, readers . . . I welcome your suggestions for Question 10!

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Comments

[James Shott]

That's excellent.

I wouldn't add or change a thing.

[Lonely Conservative]

Can you email me one of those applications? LOL!

[Jay Henderson]

Why wait for the mail? Download an applications now at http://www.wearescrewingthisupbigtime.us.gov!

[CKA in Red State USA]

Addenda to Q4: If yes, was it a racially separatist church and/or a "liberal" Christian church? If not, explain why you chose the church you did.

Addendum to Q7: If you chose "no," no one will ever attempt to find whether or not you're telling the truth.

Q10: Have you ever listened to Rush Limbaugh and/or Sean Hannity? If yes, when, for how long and why? Do you consider yourself rehabilitated? If not, go no further in this application and do not submit it, you traitor.

Q11: What is your favorite broadcast or cable channel? (a) ABC; (b) NBC; (c) CBS; (d) CNN; (e) MSNBC; (f) Fox News; (g) Comedy Channel. If you did not answer (d) and (e), or did answer (f), go no further in this application and do not submit it, you right-wing extremist.

Q12: Of Cable News programs, which is your favorite host? (a) Chris Matthews; (b) Keith Olberman; (c) Rachel Maddow. If you did not answer (a)-(c), go no further in this application and do not submit it, you lover of conservative hate speech.

Q13: Given a choice of Web-based news and opinion sources, which do you prefer? (a) Huffington Post; (b) Daily Kos; (c) Slate; (d) Andrew Sullivan. If you did not pick (a)-(d), go no further in this application and do not submit it, you conservative, redneck, illiterate hack.

Q14: What are your favorite newspapers? (a) Washington Post; (b) Boston Globe; (c) New York Times; (d) Los Angeles Times; (e) Chicago Tribune; (f) Atlanta Journal-Constitution; (g) San Francisco Chronicle; (h) Washington Times; (g) New York Post. If you did not choose at least (a), (c) and (d) -- or if you did select (h) and (i), go no further in this application and do not submit it, you right-wing lugnut.

Q15: What is your favorite weekly magazine? (a) Newsweek; (b) Time; (c) U.S. News & World Report. Hint: (a) and (b) are best choices. If you do not select them, go no further in this application and do not submit it, you hater of the truth.

Q16: Were you ever a supporter of either Hillary and/or Bill Clinton,while they were in office or since? If yes, please explain why and if you think either or both were and still are racists?

Q17: What is your opinion of Sarah Palin? (a) Formidable opponent; (b) flash in pan; (c) doofus; (d) causes me nightmares and should do same for Democrat Party. Rank in descending order. If (d), what do you think the remedy is.

Q18: What is your opinion of Michael Steele, the new Republican National Committee chairman? (a) typical conservative Oreo; (b) modern-day Uncle Tom; (c) traitor to his people; (d) formidable opponent; (e) causes me nightmares and should do same for Democrat Party; (f) at least the Republicans have a real black man of African-American heritage, not half-white/half/African. If you selected (f), go no further in this application and do not submit it, you racist.

Q19: Do you solemnly swear that your allegiance will be first and foremost to Barack Hussein Obama over the Constitution, and that you will protect and defend him before anything or anyone else? if yes, proceed to final question. If no, go no further and do not submit this application, you ingrate.

Q20: Do you pledge to do everything possible to obfuscate the truth and hide it from the public and news media? If yes, proceed. If not, you're not worthy to be part of this team, so go no further in this application and do not submit it, you @#*$&$^@!

And finally:

Q21: Do you believe Barack Hussein Obama is a natural-born citizen and that he should release a true copy of his birth certificate, as well as this college transcripts and recent full head-to-toe-and-everywhere-in-between medical examination/physical? If no, congratulations, you may submit the application. You show great promise of being a solid Obama-administration team member. If yes, get the eff out of here.

[CKA in Red State USA]

Oops. Can't see too well these days and my proofreader's got the day off.

[omitted]

Guess I'll never work for the Obama administration, because he and his don't make mistakes, do they?

ALL FIXED! - - Jay